[He doesn't disconnect the call until after Mr. Stark shows up - it's oddly comforting, even if no one's talking, just knowing that he's still there.
He moves over to the edge of the window so Mr. Stark can sit next to him. But, once he's there, Peter leans over against Mr. Stark's arm and lets his head rest against the man's shoulder.]
[ Once there's room, he comes close enough to perch on the window sill and deactivates his suit. It melts back into the arc reactor, leaving his prosthetic arm and some shoes—he'd been in too much of a rush to put any on.
It's not exactly a surprise when Peter leans against him, but it's still startling considering how little physical affection they've share. He can tell that he needs it, though, so Tony puts his arm around Peter's waist to keep him close. Safe. ]
[He settles even closer when he feels Mr. Stark's arm around him. For a while, he doesn't say anything at all, he just sits there, mostly comforted by the fact that Mr. Stark is here. Part of him feels like his reaction was silly, but another part of him is just terrified of losing more parts of his family.
None of that is what he talks about though.]
Mr. Stark - where are your clothes?
[Because it's not super warm here yet and they're a few floors up where it's chillier.]
[ Of all the comments, it’s not one he’s expecting. Glancing down at his band shirt and sweats, he looks back up at Peter with a cocked eyebrow. ]
Can you not say that like I’m naked? Someone might hear you and get the wrong idea.
[ Smiling, eyes twinkling with amusement, he looks down at his feet still covered with the Iron Man boots. He swings them, watching the light catch on the gold accents. ] I was on the couch when you texted me. I don’t lounge in three-piece suits.
[He's decked out in pajama pants and a threadbare t-shirt and a pair of socks, but his body temp runs higher so he's fine.]
Let 'em.
[Though his heart really isn't in the teasing at the moment. He does almost chuckle at the sight of Mr. Stark's feet clad in the Iron Man boots with his lounge wear.]
You've completely ruined my whole image of you.
[This one's deadpan on purpose, so better.
He nudges Mr. Stark's shoulder with his own.]
Let's get inside so I don't have to explain why Iron Man turned into a Smurf.
[They can sit on the bed or something. No, pretty much just the bed - it's a dorm, there's not really a lot of extra room.]
Alright, just don't come crying to me when you end up in a tabloid as my rumored boy toy.
[ Smiling over at Peter, nudging back, he tries to suppress a shiver. He feels a bit weak for being cold after just a few moments in the open air, but there's a big difference in temperature between his artificial arm and his organic one. ]
Finally. I've been trying to ruin your image of me for a while now.
[ He waits for Peter to lead the way inside, mainly because he's far more flexible and so capable of retreating from the window sill with more grace than Tony. The furniture doesn't concern him, considering he's here to be close with Peter and make sure he doesn't feel alone. They could sit on the floor for all he cares. ]
[He'll realize what Mr. Stark said a bit later and his whole head will turn pink.
In the meantime, he feeds the man a look.]
Just get inside.
[he grumbles and slinks back into the room, standing near the window in case Iron Man loses his balance or something trying to do the same.
He shares the room with Ned, but Ned's out at the library or hanging with his girlfriend or something tonight, so it's just Peter. They managed to snag a room big enough that they didn't need bunk beds. Peter doesn't care, but it's always weird when they have guests - because sitting on your roomie's bed is weird and there isn't room for chairs aside from the one at the desk they share.
He motions to his bed, inviting Mr. Stark to sit before he sits beside him. He still sits close and leans against his mentor again. Liking the contact.]
[ Watching Peter move around his dorm room is only one of the things that signals to Tony how off he must be feeling. He looks awkward, and he's not keeping up with the verbal sparring to the same amount that Tony had gotten used to. It reminds him of the reason he's here, the fact that he'd triggered Peter with casual talks about death. Tony has always been so cavalier about his own life, so sometimes he forgets about the people out there that genuinely care about him beyond the hero worship of Iron Man or the Stark name.
Sitting on the bed, he scoots back enough so that he can lean against the wall. Once Peter is close, he reaches for him and tugs him against his side so that he can wrap his arm around Peter's shoulders. He shouldn't bring up anything traumatic, half because it's not his place to play shrink and half because he doesn't think he can handle a crying Peter if it comes to that. Instead, he'll do what he normally does and try to take care of people without really communicating with them. ] Have you eaten yet?
[Normally this sort of stuff doesn't really bother him. But the idea of him having to kill Tony for any reason bothers him a lot. It's like if he were to have to kill Aunt May - he couldn't do it. It would destroy him. He's lost too much family as it is.
He tucks his legs up, knees casually resting against Tony's lap. And he rests his head against Tony's shoulder again. He hadn't quite considered sitting in Tony's lap, but the idea had entered his head for a brief moment before he kicked it out. He's pretty sure he's not going to cry - he just needs the comfort of Tony's company.]
I'm not hungry.
[Which is a lie and a half. Peter is always hungry. But he doesn't want to move. Or to have to leave the room.]
[ Times like this remind Tony that there is still a lot he doesn't know about Peter, the things that he fears and the things that he's accepted as facts of life. He's a whole person with his own trauma and thoughts, and it sounds narcissistic to an insane degree, but Tony needs reminders of that sometimes. He values people and their lives, of course, but sometimes it takes a shock to his system to remember the depth and complexity of another person's existence.
Peter curls up next to him and Tony reaches for his legs with his left arm, using the artificial strength to swing them over his lap. If Peter wants proximity, by god, Tony will give it to him. He can't help laughing at the reply, though, because he instantly sees through the lie. ] Pete, you're always hungry. We could order something, if you want.
[ He runs the fingers of his right hand through the back of Peter's hair in what he hopes is a calming motion. If it seems like he doesn't want that level of intimacy right now, he'll quickly pull away, but it's almost an instinct to do it. ] There's nothing to apologize about.
[Peter blinks and looks up at his mentor - because never in the history of anything did he imagine this. But, he settles his head back on Tony's shoulder. He shifts his arm so it's around Tony's back and not digging his elbow into the man's ribs.
Caught in his lie.]
Yeah, maybe. I - I dunno what I want.
[He sighs and presses his head gently against Tony's fingers. He really likes contact and being touched, so this is helping a lot.]
The world is our oyster. We could even get oysters. [ He chuckles and keeps up the gentle strokes of his fingers through Peter's hair when he indicates his enjoyment of it. ] What's your comfort food of choice usually?
[ He pinches at a lock of Peter's hair and gently tugs on it, just enough to be felt without hurting. Not that he thinks such a thing would hurt Peter, but he also knows that he doesn't have his superhuman guard up right now. ] I'm always sure of the things I say. Contrary to popular belief, I don't just talk to hear the sound of my own voice. [ He smirks at Peter before the smile turns softer and a bit sad around his eyes. ] You're not alone. I mean, in general, but also in how you feel.
[His eyes dip closed. Tony's fingers are really really nice.
He shrugs at Tony's question.] Donuts. Burgers.
[Carbs and protein. Though - those were comfort foods pre-Spider-Man.
The hair tugging goes mostly unnoticed. Or, rather, ignored. Not that he minds the attention - he doesn't. In fact, he loops his other arm around Tony and hugs him.
He'd said he was gonna hug him the next time he saw him. It's just for a different reason than he'd said before.]
You're a jerk, you know that? [He pokes a finger in Tony's shoulder.] You fucking scare me and then try to talk about Star Wars. You're a jerk.
Plus - that was a stupid comparison, idiot. Solo dies. You suck, Tony.
Did you know there's a place that makes burgers with donuts as the buns? [ He says it casually, leaving it up to Peter to decide if he wants to try it out or leave it as a random fact offered to the conversation. Tony won't judge either way, and he definitely isn't against foods like donuts and burgers considering they're his comfort foods, too. He wonders if Nat has ever told Peter about the time Tony ran away to chow down on a baker's dozen inside a massive donut sign.
Tony's breath leaves in a huff as he's squeezed. He lets Peter rib him, both to get it out of his system and because yeah, he deserves it. Sometimes he forgets that not everyone is so cavalier with his life, or human life in general, and he'd been particularly obtuse to mention something like that to Peter. Peter, who never wants to hurt the bad guy, even at risk of his own safety to keep everyone alive. Tony had almost died countless times, but the most recent was far too close for comfort—his arm is proof of that—and Peter had been witness to the entire thing. ]
Big jerk. The biggest and jerkiest. [ He smiles down at Peter, soft and apologetic. ] I was trying to calm you down by talking about something you like, Pete. Besides, I was talking about turning evil! I'm not gonna, so it's not an issue.
Yeah. I don't like those. Keep the burgers and donuts separate. [Oh Tony, the donut incident made the news. Iron Man sitting in a giant donut sign? Yeah, that hit the internet. Not the national news, but Peter did see that later - that was the same year as the Expo.
Peter isn't cavalier with anyone's life. Ever. Maybe a little with his own, but only if it's in an effort to prevent the death of others. Being on the battlefield and watching Tony take the biggest hit he'd ever seen - something big enough that it could have killed him - was a lot. If Tony had died, Peter would've felt guilty for months, maybe more. Not because Tony died, but because he would think he hadn't done enough to help.
[ That's a surprise, and it makes Tony's mouth shut with a click. He wonders when they got to this point, though maybe there wasn't a clear line that they had crossed one day. Maybe it's a collection of moments and days and experiences that have made Peter feel more comfortable around Tony to the point of calling him out for his shitty behavior. He's right, Tony has never been good at apologizing. It's a weird mixture of being raised to think he's better than others and never seeing his father apologize for anything. Men were strong, and they either didn't make mistakes or fixed them without getting emotional about it. A lot of Tony's issues are the results of a bygone era, not to mention a shitty dad. ]
I'm sorry. I fucked up. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses by explaining why I did all that, because that's not what I'm doing. [ Sighing, he drags a hand over his face and enjoys the weight of it against his eyes. ] You've probably figured this out, but I'm fucked up. I'm the last guy who should be your mentor.
[After spending an entire weekend just with Tony and seeing a bit more of the non-Iron Man side, Peter picked up a lot. He also relaxed quite a bit around Tony after that too. During it, really. It's let him get a clearer picture.
He almost launches into another round of amazing things that Tony does that prove he's not as fucked up as he thinks he is, but he doesn't take that route this time. He doesn't know if he's doing the right thing or if this is even a smart idea. But, he does it anyway. He lifts his head from Tony's shoulder and rests a hand against the side of Tony's face. Then time seems to slow to an almost standstill as he leans in to press his mouth against Tony's. It's not a great kiss - it's probably not even a really good one, but maybe it says something.]
[ Tony doesn't think anything of the proximity, figuring it was simply a way to get closer again after accepting the apology. But then Peter doesn't stop moving and suddenly his lips are pressed to Tony's, and he's frozen. Of all the ways he would have expected Peter to react, a kiss isn't even on the list. He'd been chewing him out, even swearing at him, so a slap on the face would have been less surprising than a kiss.
Instinctively, his hand moves up to cup the back of Peter's neck. It's not a bad kiss, but he can tell that Peter isn't very experienced with it. Tony doubts that's the reason for initiating it, though, at least he hopes it's not just a misguided search for some kissing lessons. Peter can be awkward, but he's not to the level of jumping topics so drastically like that.
Gripping Peter's neck a little tighter, he pulls him away as gently as he can even as he fails to surpress the instinct to lick his lips. He makes sure there's enough distance between them so they can look each other in the eye and Peter can see his quizzical expression. ]
[His nerves hadn't kicked in until after he'd kissed Tony. Up until that point, he'd been floating on courage or instinct or something. He's half-afraid he's going to get dumped in the floor. Then Tony's hand is at the back of his neck and he feels himself sigh softly, miles of tension easing out of his muscles.
Strangely, it doesn't all come rushing back when Tony pulls away. He glances up at Tony's face, then away again, but his hand stays at the side of Tony's face - somehow not shaking. That's a surprise, because his insides are twisting into knots.
He shakes his head and shrugs a little.]
I - I dunno.
[Half-lie? Partial truth? Something.
He's sort of terrified of talking about it. But, he offers up this much:]
I like you.
[He didn't even stumble over it. Too bad his insides didn't get the same memo.]
[ Peter is surprisingly calm, and it almost worries Tony. From what he knows of the young man, suddenly kissing his mentor and universal hero would create more of a reaction than that. True, he'd been the one to initiate it, but Tony still has to wonder if the kiss had been premeditated enough to allow for total and complete calm in the aftermath.
The explanation is simple, and flattering, but it doesn't get to the heart of Tony's question. Peter had been scolding him moments before, upset before that, and panicked at the very beginning of this night. All of those emotions swirling together didn't seem like the right recipe for a kiss, at least from Tony's perspective. ]
I'm flattered. But you were also calling me a jerk for being bad at apologizing less than a minute ago.
[He finally lets his hand fall away from Tony's face, fingers brushing against the roughness of his beard. That sends a shiver down his arm and makes his breath catch. This is the closest the two of them have been when they were both awake since that brief hug on the battlefield. Peter's pretty sure he fell asleep with his head in Tony's lap at the cabin - unless he'd imagined that, since he woke up with his head on a pillow.]
I called you a jerk for scaring me and trying to make it better with Han Solo, [he counters, voice quiet and remarkably calm. Though, under different circumstances, that probably would've worked fine.
He looks up at Tony without lifting his head.]
And you are bad at apologizing.
[Peter already knew Tony was horrible at apologizing, so he wasn't actually surprised there. He just called him out on it this time.
Tony's, of course, also used the dreaded 'I'm flattered', which is almost the ultimate death knell for conversation about feelings. At least according to Peter's reading and tv watching experience. He's had all of one girlfriend, and she kissed him first - what the hell does he know?]
You made a joke, not just about dying, but about me having to - having to kill you. And that's not funny, Tony. It's not even close to funny.
[He'd been right there on the battlefield, not more than ten, twelve feet away when Tony lifted his hand and snarled at Thanos, then snapped his fingers. Peter knew what was going on, he could feel the radiation as a weird ripple of power across his suit. He hadn't seen Thanos or Banner after they'd used the stones, but he knows what radiation does to flesh and it's never good. The singes across Tony's face weren't a surprise, but it still hurt to watch. Especially seeing him collapse afterward.
It's been two, almost three years since then and it still shows up in dreams to startle him awake. And he hates it.]
It was even less funny when my stupid brain clued me in to why it bothered me so much.
[He was kind of hoping his brain was just being an asshole - and it was, but not in the 'haha, jk' way. So that was fun to realize in all of this.
For now, though, he stops talking. What else is there to say? If Tony still thinks he's an idiot because of this, then Peter's going to have a really bad night alone.]
[ Peter's repeating himself, which is a little bit comforting because at least he's not suddenly been replaced by a suave man with the right things to say all the time. It would have felt wrong if Peter had been able to kiss him so confidently and continue one with some smooth kind of seduction; this Peter is familiar, the one that Tony has grown so fond of.
He's never thought of him romantically until this exact moment, though. Tony firmly locked out those kinds of things even as he'd seen Peter grow into more of a man, even tried to support him through his first relationship as much as one could from a hospital bed. But... there are so many mental blocks that he's put up, an obstacle course in his mind that he now needs to navigate and reassess all because of Peter's honesty. ]
Pete, I swear, I wasn't trying to make light of that situation. Not in the way you're thinking. You know how I use humor as armor, right? I just wanted to lighten the mood.
[ He moves the hand that's currently resting on the back of Peter's neck, carefully lifting it to run through his hair and brush it back from his face. There's no thought to the motion, his body simply running on instinct as all of his very big brainpower is being put to other tasks. Mainly, processing the fact that Peter likes him as more than any one of the number of things they've come to mean to each other over the years. ]
I have to ask a series of shitty questions now, so please don't chew my ear off. I'm asking because I need to hear the answers, not because I don't trust you or anything like that. 'Kay?
[ If Tony thinks Peter will ever be replaced by a suave man who knows all the right things to say, then Tony lives in fantasyland. The fantasyland where Tony Stark couldn't just snap his fingers and get laid. That fantasyland. Peter will never be cool and suave and super confident like that.
One of the best things about their trip out to the cabin was how much he could just relax and be himself around someone. Most of the time he has to be guarded so he doesn't say something that would give away his secret identity. But around Tony, way out in the woods on the side of a mountain, he didn't have to do that. Maybe that Peter is more confident and sure - but still not particularly suave. And sometimes, he'd like to be that guy all the time, but he knows he can't. Not right now.
He does know Tony uses humor as a shield and to deflect. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. ]
I know, Tony. But - please don't joke about dying or me having to kill you.
[ His voice caught on that last bit. It's a stronger trigger than he'd expected it to be - though he's sure some of it is a result of the feelings that leapt in and kicked him in the gut.
Now that everything is out there, he doesn't even try to resist the stroking of Tony's hand in his hair. It feels way too good and it's easing some of the tension that had come back. And Tony has really nice hands.
Tony hasn't thrown him across the room or laughed at what he'd said, but Peter's still guarded about the questions that are coming. His stomach's in knots, but he nods. ]
Deal. No joking about that or related topics. It is, unfortunately, part of our job description to sometimes discuss those things, but I'll keep it serious and professional if that time comes.
[ In the meantime, he's going to do everything in his power to avoid that kind of situation, both for himself and for Peter. Maybe he's not as active as Iron Man anymore, but he knows that he'll be there for major events, a big gun held in reserve until he can't pretend he's satisfied being retired.
There are more pressing matters at hand, however, and he's still largely focused on them. Peter's confession, while straightforward, had also been simple. Tony needs to make sure he understands the position he's coming from before they can figure out how to move forward, and Tony's never been very good at just picking up on deep emotions without having more time to observe. Here, now, he feels he owes Peter a response and that means cutting to the chase with a possibly embarrassing line of questioning. ]
Alright, so, you kissed me and said you like me. That points to romantic interest. Any idea if it's also, uh— Could it just be some affectionate but ultimately platonic feelings? Or is it— [ He vaguely waves his free hand through the air— ] sexual?
[ He hates this already, and he doesn't anticipate Peter's reaction to be a good one. He's really not trying to be condescending, he just wants to know what it is that Peter feels for him. ]
Also, when did this start? I really don't want it to be deep-seated hero worship, but also more recent development points to accidental grooming and I really really don't want to go there, either.
[ He can handle discussion of things like that for 'professional' scenarios and situations. As much as he doesn't ever want anyone to die, he knows it's sometimes a possibility. Though he hopes he never gets used to it.
These are not the questions he was expecting at all. They are things he's kind of thought about, but not what he was expecting.
Tony's first question makes his face flush. Which is probably just as much answer as anything he would say. But he looks at Tony's face when he starts to respond. ]
Um -
[ He swallows nervously. The butterflies in his stomach jazzed up their dance a bit. And his whole body decided now would be a good time to heat up. What the actual hell? ]
N-not... not just platonic.
[ Talking is not what he wants right now. He really wants to kiss Tony again. A lot.
He does wish that he was better at talking about this sort of thing. But he's still so confused about what's going on in his own head and why he's just realized it now, and why it's both terrifying and exciting, and how he's having a really hard time telling the difference. ]
What?
[ He's reacting to the grooming comment over the hero worship. ]
Tony - no. It's - it's not like that. You... you didn't.
[ His hand comes back up, but it rests on Tony's chest, rather than his face. ]
Please - please don't think that. My brain is stupid and dumped all of this at me tonight - more consciously - but it's not because of anything you did that guided me that way.
Hell, you've kinda almost made sure there was no way that would even be the case.
[ Tony didn't even hug him aside from that one time out on the field during the Thanos fight. Sure, they'd spent tons of time working in the labs - designing suits and suit upgrades, but Peter couldn't remember anything that had felt even remotely romantic. The closest he could figure is the bantering they always did.
Maybe that seemed a little flirty sometimes? Peter hadn't ever seen it that way.
He sighs a little and decides to just... ]
The hero worship started the night you saved my life, Tony. But I was nine. Girls had cooties and I didn't have any idea that I liked guys then. I just knew that a cool superhero helped me.
That day you showed up at my aunt's? I'm surprised I was coherent. I'd never really been star-struck before that.
[ His body flushes again and he's sure his face is red all the way to his ears. ]
But that still wasn't it. I mean, maybe that was something. I - man this is hard, and weird.
[ He takes a deep breath, hoping to tamp down some of his nerves. ]
I... I just figured out that I like both guys and girls over the summer. Kind of by accident. But it made some stuff make a lot more sense. Stuff about me.
I don't know exactly when this started. I just know how I feel right now.
[ He looks away again. The only thing he can think of that Tony did that would have triggered anything was talk about being into men when they were texting tonight about the girl smoking weed through a trumpet. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He moves over to the edge of the window so Mr. Stark can sit next to him. But, once he's there, Peter leans over against Mr. Stark's arm and lets his head rest against the man's shoulder.]
Thanks.
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It's not exactly a surprise when Peter leans against him, but it's still startling considering how little physical affection they've share. He can tell that he needs it, though, so Tony puts his arm around Peter's waist to keep him close. Safe. ]
Don't have to thank me, Pete.
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None of that is what he talks about though.]
Mr. Stark - where are your clothes?
[Because it's not super warm here yet and they're a few floors up where it's chillier.]
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Can you not say that like I’m naked? Someone might hear you and get the wrong idea.
[ Smiling, eyes twinkling with amusement, he looks down at his feet still covered with the Iron Man boots. He swings them, watching the light catch on the gold accents. ] I was on the couch when you texted me. I don’t lounge in three-piece suits.
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Let 'em.
[Though his heart really isn't in the teasing at the moment. He does almost chuckle at the sight of Mr. Stark's feet clad in the Iron Man boots with his lounge wear.]
You've completely ruined my whole image of you.
[This one's deadpan on purpose, so better.
He nudges Mr. Stark's shoulder with his own.]
Let's get inside so I don't have to explain why Iron Man turned into a Smurf.
[They can sit on the bed or something. No, pretty much just the bed - it's a dorm, there's not really a lot of extra room.]
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[ Smiling over at Peter, nudging back, he tries to suppress a shiver. He feels a bit weak for being cold after just a few moments in the open air, but there's a big difference in temperature between his artificial arm and his organic one. ]
Finally. I've been trying to ruin your image of me for a while now.
[ He waits for Peter to lead the way inside, mainly because he's far more flexible and so capable of retreating from the window sill with more grace than Tony. The furniture doesn't concern him, considering he's here to be close with Peter and make sure he doesn't feel alone. They could sit on the floor for all he cares. ]
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[He'll realize what Mr. Stark said a bit later and his whole head will turn pink.
In the meantime, he feeds the man a look.]
Just get inside.
[he grumbles and slinks back into the room, standing near the window in case Iron Man loses his balance or something trying to do the same.
He shares the room with Ned, but Ned's out at the library or hanging with his girlfriend or something tonight, so it's just Peter. They managed to snag a room big enough that they didn't need bunk beds. Peter doesn't care, but it's always weird when they have guests - because sitting on your roomie's bed is weird and there isn't room for chairs aside from the one at the desk they share.
He motions to his bed, inviting Mr. Stark to sit before he sits beside him. He still sits close and leans against his mentor again. Liking the contact.]
Tell me if you want me to move.
[He will if asked, reluctantly though.]
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Sitting on the bed, he scoots back enough so that he can lean against the wall. Once Peter is close, he reaches for him and tugs him against his side so that he can wrap his arm around Peter's shoulders. He shouldn't bring up anything traumatic, half because it's not his place to play shrink and half because he doesn't think he can handle a crying Peter if it comes to that. Instead, he'll do what he normally does and try to take care of people without really communicating with them. ] Have you eaten yet?
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He tucks his legs up, knees casually resting against Tony's lap. And he rests his head against Tony's shoulder again. He hadn't quite considered sitting in Tony's lap, but the idea had entered his head for a brief moment before he kicked it out. He's pretty sure he's not going to cry - he just needs the comfort of Tony's company.]
I'm not hungry.
[Which is a lie and a half. Peter is always hungry. But he doesn't want to move. Or to have to leave the room.]
I'm sorry, Mr. Stark. I don't know what happened.
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Peter curls up next to him and Tony reaches for his legs with his left arm, using the artificial strength to swing them over his lap. If Peter wants proximity, by god, Tony will give it to him. He can't help laughing at the reply, though, because he instantly sees through the lie. ] Pete, you're always hungry. We could order something, if you want.
[ He runs the fingers of his right hand through the back of Peter's hair in what he hopes is a calming motion. If it seems like he doesn't want that level of intimacy right now, he'll quickly pull away, but it's almost an instinct to do it. ] There's nothing to apologize about.
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Caught in his lie.]
Yeah, maybe. I - I dunno what I want.
[He sighs and presses his head gently against Tony's fingers. He really likes contact and being touched, so this is helping a lot.]
You sure?
[Because he feels silly about it.]
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[ He pinches at a lock of Peter's hair and gently tugs on it, just enough to be felt without hurting. Not that he thinks such a thing would hurt Peter, but he also knows that he doesn't have his superhuman guard up right now. ] I'm always sure of the things I say. Contrary to popular belief, I don't just talk to hear the sound of my own voice. [ He smirks at Peter before the smile turns softer and a bit sad around his eyes. ] You're not alone. I mean, in general, but also in how you feel.
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He shrugs at Tony's question.] Donuts. Burgers.
[Carbs and protein. Though - those were comfort foods pre-Spider-Man.
The hair tugging goes mostly unnoticed. Or, rather, ignored. Not that he minds the attention - he doesn't. In fact, he loops his other arm around Tony and hugs him.
He'd said he was gonna hug him the next time he saw him. It's just for a different reason than he'd said before.]
You're a jerk, you know that? [He pokes a finger in Tony's shoulder.] You fucking scare me and then try to talk about Star Wars. You're a jerk.
Plus - that was a stupid comparison, idiot. Solo dies. You suck, Tony.
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Tony's breath leaves in a huff as he's squeezed. He lets Peter rib him, both to get it out of his system and because yeah, he deserves it. Sometimes he forgets that not everyone is so cavalier with his life, or human life in general, and he'd been particularly obtuse to mention something like that to Peter. Peter, who never wants to hurt the bad guy, even at risk of his own safety to keep everyone alive. Tony had almost died countless times, but the most recent was far too close for comfort—his arm is proof of that—and Peter had been witness to the entire thing. ]
Big jerk. The biggest and jerkiest. [ He smiles down at Peter, soft and apologetic. ] I was trying to calm you down by talking about something you like, Pete. Besides, I was talking about turning evil! I'm not gonna, so it's not an issue.
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Peter isn't cavalier with anyone's life. Ever. Maybe a little with his own, but only if it's in an effort to prevent the death of others. Being on the battlefield and watching Tony take the biggest hit he'd ever seen - something big enough that it could have killed him - was a lot. If Tony had died, Peter would've felt guilty for months, maybe more. Not because Tony died, but because he would think he hadn't done enough to help.
He sighs heavily.]
Do you even know how to apologize? For anything?
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I'm sorry. I fucked up. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses by explaining why I did all that, because that's not what I'm doing. [ Sighing, he drags a hand over his face and enjoys the weight of it against his eyes. ] You've probably figured this out, but I'm fucked up. I'm the last guy who should be your mentor.
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He almost launches into another round of amazing things that Tony does that prove he's not as fucked up as he thinks he is, but he doesn't take that route this time. He doesn't know if he's doing the right thing or if this is even a smart idea. But, he does it anyway. He lifts his head from Tony's shoulder and rests a hand against the side of Tony's face. Then time seems to slow to an almost standstill as he leans in to press his mouth against Tony's. It's not a great kiss - it's probably not even a really good one, but maybe it says something.]
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Instinctively, his hand moves up to cup the back of Peter's neck. It's not a bad kiss, but he can tell that Peter isn't very experienced with it. Tony doubts that's the reason for initiating it, though, at least he hopes it's not just a misguided search for some kissing lessons. Peter can be awkward, but he's not to the level of jumping topics so drastically like that.
Gripping Peter's neck a little tighter, he pulls him away as gently as he can even as he fails to surpress the instinct to lick his lips. He makes sure there's enough distance between them so they can look each other in the eye and Peter can see his quizzical expression. ]
What was that about?
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Strangely, it doesn't all come rushing back when Tony pulls away. He glances up at Tony's face, then away again, but his hand stays at the side of Tony's face - somehow not shaking. That's a surprise, because his insides are twisting into knots.
He shakes his head and shrugs a little.]
I - I dunno.
[Half-lie? Partial truth? Something.
He's sort of terrified of talking about it. But, he offers up this much:]
I like you.
[He didn't even stumble over it. Too bad his insides didn't get the same memo.]
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The explanation is simple, and flattering, but it doesn't get to the heart of Tony's question. Peter had been scolding him moments before, upset before that, and panicked at the very beginning of this night. All of those emotions swirling together didn't seem like the right recipe for a kiss, at least from Tony's perspective. ]
I'm flattered. But you were also calling me a jerk for being bad at apologizing less than a minute ago.
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I called you a jerk for scaring me and trying to make it better with Han Solo, [he counters, voice quiet and remarkably calm. Though, under different circumstances, that probably would've worked fine.
He looks up at Tony without lifting his head.]
And you are bad at apologizing.
[Peter already knew Tony was horrible at apologizing, so he wasn't actually surprised there. He just called him out on it this time.
Tony's, of course, also used the dreaded 'I'm flattered', which is almost the ultimate death knell for conversation about feelings. At least according to Peter's reading and tv watching experience. He's had all of one girlfriend, and she kissed him first - what the hell does he know?]
You made a joke, not just about dying, but about me having to - having to kill you. And that's not funny, Tony. It's not even close to funny.
[He'd been right there on the battlefield, not more than ten, twelve feet away when Tony lifted his hand and snarled at Thanos, then snapped his fingers. Peter knew what was going on, he could feel the radiation as a weird ripple of power across his suit. He hadn't seen Thanos or Banner after they'd used the stones, but he knows what radiation does to flesh and it's never good. The singes across Tony's face weren't a surprise, but it still hurt to watch. Especially seeing him collapse afterward.
It's been two, almost three years since then and it still shows up in dreams to startle him awake. And he hates it.]
It was even less funny when my stupid brain clued me in to why it bothered me so much.
[He was kind of hoping his brain was just being an asshole - and it was, but not in the 'haha, jk' way. So that was fun to realize in all of this.
For now, though, he stops talking. What else is there to say? If Tony still thinks he's an idiot because of this, then Peter's going to have a really bad night alone.]
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He's never thought of him romantically until this exact moment, though. Tony firmly locked out those kinds of things even as he'd seen Peter grow into more of a man, even tried to support him through his first relationship as much as one could from a hospital bed. But... there are so many mental blocks that he's put up, an obstacle course in his mind that he now needs to navigate and reassess all because of Peter's honesty. ]
Pete, I swear, I wasn't trying to make light of that situation. Not in the way you're thinking. You know how I use humor as armor, right? I just wanted to lighten the mood.
[ He moves the hand that's currently resting on the back of Peter's neck, carefully lifting it to run through his hair and brush it back from his face. There's no thought to the motion, his body simply running on instinct as all of his very big brainpower is being put to other tasks. Mainly, processing the fact that Peter likes him as more than any one of the number of things they've come to mean to each other over the years. ]
I have to ask a series of shitty questions now, so please don't chew my ear off. I'm asking because I need to hear the answers, not because I don't trust you or anything like that. 'Kay?
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One of the best things about their trip out to the cabin was how much he could just relax and be himself around someone. Most of the time he has to be guarded so he doesn't say something that would give away his secret identity. But around Tony, way out in the woods on the side of a mountain, he didn't have to do that. Maybe that Peter is more confident and sure - but still not particularly suave. And sometimes, he'd like to be that guy all the time, but he knows he can't. Not right now.
He does know Tony uses humor as a shield and to deflect. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. ]
I know, Tony. But - please don't joke about dying or me having to kill you.
[ His voice caught on that last bit. It's a stronger trigger than he'd expected it to be - though he's sure some of it is a result of the feelings that leapt in and kicked him in the gut.
Now that everything is out there, he doesn't even try to resist the stroking of Tony's hand in his hair. It feels way too good and it's easing some of the tension that had come back. And Tony has really nice hands.
Tony hasn't thrown him across the room or laughed at what he'd said, but Peter's still guarded about the questions that are coming. His stomach's in knots, but he nods. ]
O-okay.
[ He is not prepared for this at all. ]
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[ In the meantime, he's going to do everything in his power to avoid that kind of situation, both for himself and for Peter. Maybe he's not as active as Iron Man anymore, but he knows that he'll be there for major events, a big gun held in reserve until he can't pretend he's satisfied being retired.
There are more pressing matters at hand, however, and he's still largely focused on them. Peter's confession, while straightforward, had also been simple. Tony needs to make sure he understands the position he's coming from before they can figure out how to move forward, and Tony's never been very good at just picking up on deep emotions without having more time to observe. Here, now, he feels he owes Peter a response and that means cutting to the chase with a possibly embarrassing line of questioning. ]
Alright, so, you kissed me and said you like me. That points to romantic interest. Any idea if it's also, uh— Could it just be some affectionate but ultimately platonic feelings? Or is it— [ He vaguely waves his free hand through the air— ] sexual?
[ He hates this already, and he doesn't anticipate Peter's reaction to be a good one. He's really not trying to be condescending, he just wants to know what it is that Peter feels for him. ]
Also, when did this start? I really don't want it to be deep-seated hero worship, but also more recent development points to accidental grooming and I really really don't want to go there, either.
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[ He can handle discussion of things like that for 'professional' scenarios and situations. As much as he doesn't ever want anyone to die, he knows it's sometimes a possibility. Though he hopes he never gets used to it.
These are not the questions he was expecting at all. They are things he's kind of thought about, but not what he was expecting.
Tony's first question makes his face flush. Which is probably just as much answer as anything he would say. But he looks at Tony's face when he starts to respond. ]
Um -
[ He swallows nervously. The butterflies in his stomach jazzed up their dance a bit. And his whole body decided now would be a good time to heat up. What the actual hell? ]
N-not... not just platonic.
[ Talking is not what he wants right now. He really wants to kiss Tony again. A lot.
He does wish that he was better at talking about this sort of thing. But he's still so confused about what's going on in his own head and why he's just realized it now, and why it's both terrifying and exciting, and how he's having a really hard time telling the difference. ]
What?
[ He's reacting to the grooming comment over the hero worship. ]
Tony - no. It's - it's not like that. You... you didn't.
[ His hand comes back up, but it rests on Tony's chest, rather than his face. ]
Please - please don't think that. My brain is stupid and dumped all of this at me tonight - more consciously - but it's not because of anything you did that guided me that way.
Hell, you've kinda almost made sure there was no way that would even be the case.
[ Tony didn't even hug him aside from that one time out on the field during the Thanos fight. Sure, they'd spent tons of time working in the labs - designing suits and suit upgrades, but Peter couldn't remember anything that had felt even remotely romantic. The closest he could figure is the bantering they always did.
Maybe that seemed a little flirty sometimes? Peter hadn't ever seen it that way.
He sighs a little and decides to just... ]
The hero worship started the night you saved my life, Tony. But I was nine. Girls had cooties and I didn't have any idea that I liked guys then. I just knew that a cool superhero helped me.
That day you showed up at my aunt's? I'm surprised I was coherent. I'd never really been star-struck before that.
[ His body flushes again and he's sure his face is red all the way to his ears. ]
But that still wasn't it. I mean, maybe that was something. I - man this is hard, and weird.
[ He takes a deep breath, hoping to tamp down some of his nerves. ]
I... I just figured out that I like both guys and girls over the summer. Kind of by accident. But it made some stuff make a lot more sense. Stuff about me.
I don't know exactly when this started. I just know how I feel right now.
[ He looks away again. The only thing he can think of that Tony did that would have triggered anything was talk about being into men when they were texting tonight about the girl smoking weed through a trumpet. ]