[ Peter is surprisingly calm, and it almost worries Tony. From what he knows of the young man, suddenly kissing his mentor and universal hero would create more of a reaction than that. True, he'd been the one to initiate it, but Tony still has to wonder if the kiss had been premeditated enough to allow for total and complete calm in the aftermath.
The explanation is simple, and flattering, but it doesn't get to the heart of Tony's question. Peter had been scolding him moments before, upset before that, and panicked at the very beginning of this night. All of those emotions swirling together didn't seem like the right recipe for a kiss, at least from Tony's perspective. ]
I'm flattered. But you were also calling me a jerk for being bad at apologizing less than a minute ago.
[He finally lets his hand fall away from Tony's face, fingers brushing against the roughness of his beard. That sends a shiver down his arm and makes his breath catch. This is the closest the two of them have been when they were both awake since that brief hug on the battlefield. Peter's pretty sure he fell asleep with his head in Tony's lap at the cabin - unless he'd imagined that, since he woke up with his head on a pillow.]
I called you a jerk for scaring me and trying to make it better with Han Solo, [he counters, voice quiet and remarkably calm. Though, under different circumstances, that probably would've worked fine.
He looks up at Tony without lifting his head.]
And you are bad at apologizing.
[Peter already knew Tony was horrible at apologizing, so he wasn't actually surprised there. He just called him out on it this time.
Tony's, of course, also used the dreaded 'I'm flattered', which is almost the ultimate death knell for conversation about feelings. At least according to Peter's reading and tv watching experience. He's had all of one girlfriend, and she kissed him first - what the hell does he know?]
You made a joke, not just about dying, but about me having to - having to kill you. And that's not funny, Tony. It's not even close to funny.
[He'd been right there on the battlefield, not more than ten, twelve feet away when Tony lifted his hand and snarled at Thanos, then snapped his fingers. Peter knew what was going on, he could feel the radiation as a weird ripple of power across his suit. He hadn't seen Thanos or Banner after they'd used the stones, but he knows what radiation does to flesh and it's never good. The singes across Tony's face weren't a surprise, but it still hurt to watch. Especially seeing him collapse afterward.
It's been two, almost three years since then and it still shows up in dreams to startle him awake. And he hates it.]
It was even less funny when my stupid brain clued me in to why it bothered me so much.
[He was kind of hoping his brain was just being an asshole - and it was, but not in the 'haha, jk' way. So that was fun to realize in all of this.
For now, though, he stops talking. What else is there to say? If Tony still thinks he's an idiot because of this, then Peter's going to have a really bad night alone.]
[ Peter's repeating himself, which is a little bit comforting because at least he's not suddenly been replaced by a suave man with the right things to say all the time. It would have felt wrong if Peter had been able to kiss him so confidently and continue one with some smooth kind of seduction; this Peter is familiar, the one that Tony has grown so fond of.
He's never thought of him romantically until this exact moment, though. Tony firmly locked out those kinds of things even as he'd seen Peter grow into more of a man, even tried to support him through his first relationship as much as one could from a hospital bed. But... there are so many mental blocks that he's put up, an obstacle course in his mind that he now needs to navigate and reassess all because of Peter's honesty. ]
Pete, I swear, I wasn't trying to make light of that situation. Not in the way you're thinking. You know how I use humor as armor, right? I just wanted to lighten the mood.
[ He moves the hand that's currently resting on the back of Peter's neck, carefully lifting it to run through his hair and brush it back from his face. There's no thought to the motion, his body simply running on instinct as all of his very big brainpower is being put to other tasks. Mainly, processing the fact that Peter likes him as more than any one of the number of things they've come to mean to each other over the years. ]
I have to ask a series of shitty questions now, so please don't chew my ear off. I'm asking because I need to hear the answers, not because I don't trust you or anything like that. 'Kay?
[ If Tony thinks Peter will ever be replaced by a suave man who knows all the right things to say, then Tony lives in fantasyland. The fantasyland where Tony Stark couldn't just snap his fingers and get laid. That fantasyland. Peter will never be cool and suave and super confident like that.
One of the best things about their trip out to the cabin was how much he could just relax and be himself around someone. Most of the time he has to be guarded so he doesn't say something that would give away his secret identity. But around Tony, way out in the woods on the side of a mountain, he didn't have to do that. Maybe that Peter is more confident and sure - but still not particularly suave. And sometimes, he'd like to be that guy all the time, but he knows he can't. Not right now.
He does know Tony uses humor as a shield and to deflect. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. ]
I know, Tony. But - please don't joke about dying or me having to kill you.
[ His voice caught on that last bit. It's a stronger trigger than he'd expected it to be - though he's sure some of it is a result of the feelings that leapt in and kicked him in the gut.
Now that everything is out there, he doesn't even try to resist the stroking of Tony's hand in his hair. It feels way too good and it's easing some of the tension that had come back. And Tony has really nice hands.
Tony hasn't thrown him across the room or laughed at what he'd said, but Peter's still guarded about the questions that are coming. His stomach's in knots, but he nods. ]
Deal. No joking about that or related topics. It is, unfortunately, part of our job description to sometimes discuss those things, but I'll keep it serious and professional if that time comes.
[ In the meantime, he's going to do everything in his power to avoid that kind of situation, both for himself and for Peter. Maybe he's not as active as Iron Man anymore, but he knows that he'll be there for major events, a big gun held in reserve until he can't pretend he's satisfied being retired.
There are more pressing matters at hand, however, and he's still largely focused on them. Peter's confession, while straightforward, had also been simple. Tony needs to make sure he understands the position he's coming from before they can figure out how to move forward, and Tony's never been very good at just picking up on deep emotions without having more time to observe. Here, now, he feels he owes Peter a response and that means cutting to the chase with a possibly embarrassing line of questioning. ]
Alright, so, you kissed me and said you like me. That points to romantic interest. Any idea if it's also, uh— Could it just be some affectionate but ultimately platonic feelings? Or is it— [ He vaguely waves his free hand through the air— ] sexual?
[ He hates this already, and he doesn't anticipate Peter's reaction to be a good one. He's really not trying to be condescending, he just wants to know what it is that Peter feels for him. ]
Also, when did this start? I really don't want it to be deep-seated hero worship, but also more recent development points to accidental grooming and I really really don't want to go there, either.
[ He can handle discussion of things like that for 'professional' scenarios and situations. As much as he doesn't ever want anyone to die, he knows it's sometimes a possibility. Though he hopes he never gets used to it.
These are not the questions he was expecting at all. They are things he's kind of thought about, but not what he was expecting.
Tony's first question makes his face flush. Which is probably just as much answer as anything he would say. But he looks at Tony's face when he starts to respond. ]
Um -
[ He swallows nervously. The butterflies in his stomach jazzed up their dance a bit. And his whole body decided now would be a good time to heat up. What the actual hell? ]
N-not... not just platonic.
[ Talking is not what he wants right now. He really wants to kiss Tony again. A lot.
He does wish that he was better at talking about this sort of thing. But he's still so confused about what's going on in his own head and why he's just realized it now, and why it's both terrifying and exciting, and how he's having a really hard time telling the difference. ]
What?
[ He's reacting to the grooming comment over the hero worship. ]
Tony - no. It's - it's not like that. You... you didn't.
[ His hand comes back up, but it rests on Tony's chest, rather than his face. ]
Please - please don't think that. My brain is stupid and dumped all of this at me tonight - more consciously - but it's not because of anything you did that guided me that way.
Hell, you've kinda almost made sure there was no way that would even be the case.
[ Tony didn't even hug him aside from that one time out on the field during the Thanos fight. Sure, they'd spent tons of time working in the labs - designing suits and suit upgrades, but Peter couldn't remember anything that had felt even remotely romantic. The closest he could figure is the bantering they always did.
Maybe that seemed a little flirty sometimes? Peter hadn't ever seen it that way.
He sighs a little and decides to just... ]
The hero worship started the night you saved my life, Tony. But I was nine. Girls had cooties and I didn't have any idea that I liked guys then. I just knew that a cool superhero helped me.
That day you showed up at my aunt's? I'm surprised I was coherent. I'd never really been star-struck before that.
[ His body flushes again and he's sure his face is red all the way to his ears. ]
But that still wasn't it. I mean, maybe that was something. I - man this is hard, and weird.
[ He takes a deep breath, hoping to tamp down some of his nerves. ]
I... I just figured out that I like both guys and girls over the summer. Kind of by accident. But it made some stuff make a lot more sense. Stuff about me.
I don't know exactly when this started. I just know how I feel right now.
[ He looks away again. The only thing he can think of that Tony did that would have triggered anything was talk about being into men when they were texting tonight about the girl smoking weed through a trumpet. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The explanation is simple, and flattering, but it doesn't get to the heart of Tony's question. Peter had been scolding him moments before, upset before that, and panicked at the very beginning of this night. All of those emotions swirling together didn't seem like the right recipe for a kiss, at least from Tony's perspective. ]
I'm flattered. But you were also calling me a jerk for being bad at apologizing less than a minute ago.
no subject
I called you a jerk for scaring me and trying to make it better with Han Solo, [he counters, voice quiet and remarkably calm. Though, under different circumstances, that probably would've worked fine.
He looks up at Tony without lifting his head.]
And you are bad at apologizing.
[Peter already knew Tony was horrible at apologizing, so he wasn't actually surprised there. He just called him out on it this time.
Tony's, of course, also used the dreaded 'I'm flattered', which is almost the ultimate death knell for conversation about feelings. At least according to Peter's reading and tv watching experience. He's had all of one girlfriend, and she kissed him first - what the hell does he know?]
You made a joke, not just about dying, but about me having to - having to kill you. And that's not funny, Tony. It's not even close to funny.
[He'd been right there on the battlefield, not more than ten, twelve feet away when Tony lifted his hand and snarled at Thanos, then snapped his fingers. Peter knew what was going on, he could feel the radiation as a weird ripple of power across his suit. He hadn't seen Thanos or Banner after they'd used the stones, but he knows what radiation does to flesh and it's never good. The singes across Tony's face weren't a surprise, but it still hurt to watch. Especially seeing him collapse afterward.
It's been two, almost three years since then and it still shows up in dreams to startle him awake. And he hates it.]
It was even less funny when my stupid brain clued me in to why it bothered me so much.
[He was kind of hoping his brain was just being an asshole - and it was, but not in the 'haha, jk' way. So that was fun to realize in all of this.
For now, though, he stops talking. What else is there to say? If Tony still thinks he's an idiot because of this, then Peter's going to have a really bad night alone.]
no subject
He's never thought of him romantically until this exact moment, though. Tony firmly locked out those kinds of things even as he'd seen Peter grow into more of a man, even tried to support him through his first relationship as much as one could from a hospital bed. But... there are so many mental blocks that he's put up, an obstacle course in his mind that he now needs to navigate and reassess all because of Peter's honesty. ]
Pete, I swear, I wasn't trying to make light of that situation. Not in the way you're thinking. You know how I use humor as armor, right? I just wanted to lighten the mood.
[ He moves the hand that's currently resting on the back of Peter's neck, carefully lifting it to run through his hair and brush it back from his face. There's no thought to the motion, his body simply running on instinct as all of his very big brainpower is being put to other tasks. Mainly, processing the fact that Peter likes him as more than any one of the number of things they've come to mean to each other over the years. ]
I have to ask a series of shitty questions now, so please don't chew my ear off. I'm asking because I need to hear the answers, not because I don't trust you or anything like that. 'Kay?
no subject
One of the best things about their trip out to the cabin was how much he could just relax and be himself around someone. Most of the time he has to be guarded so he doesn't say something that would give away his secret identity. But around Tony, way out in the woods on the side of a mountain, he didn't have to do that. Maybe that Peter is more confident and sure - but still not particularly suave. And sometimes, he'd like to be that guy all the time, but he knows he can't. Not right now.
He does know Tony uses humor as a shield and to deflect. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. ]
I know, Tony. But - please don't joke about dying or me having to kill you.
[ His voice caught on that last bit. It's a stronger trigger than he'd expected it to be - though he's sure some of it is a result of the feelings that leapt in and kicked him in the gut.
Now that everything is out there, he doesn't even try to resist the stroking of Tony's hand in his hair. It feels way too good and it's easing some of the tension that had come back. And Tony has really nice hands.
Tony hasn't thrown him across the room or laughed at what he'd said, but Peter's still guarded about the questions that are coming. His stomach's in knots, but he nods. ]
O-okay.
[ He is not prepared for this at all. ]
no subject
[ In the meantime, he's going to do everything in his power to avoid that kind of situation, both for himself and for Peter. Maybe he's not as active as Iron Man anymore, but he knows that he'll be there for major events, a big gun held in reserve until he can't pretend he's satisfied being retired.
There are more pressing matters at hand, however, and he's still largely focused on them. Peter's confession, while straightforward, had also been simple. Tony needs to make sure he understands the position he's coming from before they can figure out how to move forward, and Tony's never been very good at just picking up on deep emotions without having more time to observe. Here, now, he feels he owes Peter a response and that means cutting to the chase with a possibly embarrassing line of questioning. ]
Alright, so, you kissed me and said you like me. That points to romantic interest. Any idea if it's also, uh— Could it just be some affectionate but ultimately platonic feelings? Or is it— [ He vaguely waves his free hand through the air— ] sexual?
[ He hates this already, and he doesn't anticipate Peter's reaction to be a good one. He's really not trying to be condescending, he just wants to know what it is that Peter feels for him. ]
Also, when did this start? I really don't want it to be deep-seated hero worship, but also more recent development points to accidental grooming and I really really don't want to go there, either.
no subject
[ He can handle discussion of things like that for 'professional' scenarios and situations. As much as he doesn't ever want anyone to die, he knows it's sometimes a possibility. Though he hopes he never gets used to it.
These are not the questions he was expecting at all. They are things he's kind of thought about, but not what he was expecting.
Tony's first question makes his face flush. Which is probably just as much answer as anything he would say. But he looks at Tony's face when he starts to respond. ]
Um -
[ He swallows nervously. The butterflies in his stomach jazzed up their dance a bit. And his whole body decided now would be a good time to heat up. What the actual hell? ]
N-not... not just platonic.
[ Talking is not what he wants right now. He really wants to kiss Tony again. A lot.
He does wish that he was better at talking about this sort of thing. But he's still so confused about what's going on in his own head and why he's just realized it now, and why it's both terrifying and exciting, and how he's having a really hard time telling the difference. ]
What?
[ He's reacting to the grooming comment over the hero worship. ]
Tony - no. It's - it's not like that. You... you didn't.
[ His hand comes back up, but it rests on Tony's chest, rather than his face. ]
Please - please don't think that. My brain is stupid and dumped all of this at me tonight - more consciously - but it's not because of anything you did that guided me that way.
Hell, you've kinda almost made sure there was no way that would even be the case.
[ Tony didn't even hug him aside from that one time out on the field during the Thanos fight. Sure, they'd spent tons of time working in the labs - designing suits and suit upgrades, but Peter couldn't remember anything that had felt even remotely romantic. The closest he could figure is the bantering they always did.
Maybe that seemed a little flirty sometimes? Peter hadn't ever seen it that way.
He sighs a little and decides to just... ]
The hero worship started the night you saved my life, Tony. But I was nine. Girls had cooties and I didn't have any idea that I liked guys then. I just knew that a cool superhero helped me.
That day you showed up at my aunt's? I'm surprised I was coherent. I'd never really been star-struck before that.
[ His body flushes again and he's sure his face is red all the way to his ears. ]
But that still wasn't it. I mean, maybe that was something. I - man this is hard, and weird.
[ He takes a deep breath, hoping to tamp down some of his nerves. ]
I... I just figured out that I like both guys and girls over the summer. Kind of by accident. But it made some stuff make a lot more sense. Stuff about me.
I don't know exactly when this started. I just know how I feel right now.
[ He looks away again. The only thing he can think of that Tony did that would have triggered anything was talk about being into men when they were texting tonight about the girl smoking weed through a trumpet. ]